I’m a little broke this month. Partly from running bad, partly from idiot fish calling me down with nothing and hitting runner runner runner runner (we were playing stud) and partly because these jackasses at Blind Straddle don’t pay me anything. It occurred to me that a lot of poker players are in my shoes these days, hurting because of the Department of Justice mess or just going broke from bad bankroll management, so I came up with a list of money making ideas. Feel free to use any of these you like, just make sure to send old Karl his ten percent for licensing fees on the idea.

Karl’s Top Ton Money Making Ideas for 2011

  • 10. Howard Lederer Dunk Tank - Think how many folks would pay to try to dunk Howard Lederer? And you know that all those internet poker nerds are weaklings and never learned how to throw a fastball anyway, so it would cost ‘em hundreds for each time they got him wet. Dunk the Professor could be a big feature at next year’s WSoP.
  • 9. Rich Bitar Dunk Tank - Howard wasn’t running the show at Full Tilt any more by the time things really went to hell, but Rich Bitar really screwed it up. In Bitar’s case we could fill the tank with rancid cat piss and get the real high stakes players to pay $100 a throw. You know Shaun Deeb couldn’t hit a target with a softball if he tried all day, and he actually has enough money to try all day if he wants to.
  • 8. Phil Ivey and TJ Cloutier invitational Charity Craps Tournament - If these two can just find some backers or somebody to borrow money from, we can let em play for a few days and have enough cash to buy ourselves an island and retire from this poker bullshit for good.
  • 7. Costa Rican Tour Guide - Since all the high stakes players are moving down to Costa Rica, they’re gonna need somebody who speaks English and knows where the poker rooms and strip clubs are. I could handle driving a limo, hanging out in strip clubs and poker rooms and hanging out with poker players all day. It would be like a normal day for me except for the limo. And the food is probably better down there.
  • 6. Mugger - My daddy always told me that you gotta stay in shape in case things go south in a hurry and you gotta start muggin’ folks. I would probably move to Washington State to start my career, since it’s only a misdemeanor to mug an old lady but it’s a felony to play online poker in Washington. Actually I’ll stay where I’m at, there’s probably poker players mugging people like crazy in Washington State already with those laws in place.
  • 5. Actor - Any poker player worth his salt can cry on command, look like a tough guy when he needs to, and bullshit his way into and out of any trouble there is, so why not acting? You work with a bunch of crybabies who think they’re God’s gift and if you get real lucky you make millions. It’s basically just like playing poker but without the beautiful women.
  • 4. Debt Collector - A poker pro owes you money? You know he’s not paying you right? At least he wasn’t going to until you showed up at his house with a baseball bat and a pit bull. After you muscle your way inside, take a dump on his leather coach, and discuss how important it is to maintain your good name by paying your debts, I think you might  get money out of even the most degenerate gambler. He would have to borrow it to pay you, but whoever he borrows it from is just another potential client for your debt collection service. The circle never ends with some of those idiots, and you keep taking a percentage every time you make a trip out to see em about another debt.
  • 3. Poker Lobbyist - All you have to do for this one is put up a website, issue periodic press releases about how everyone should support whatever online poker bill is floundering in the senate, and throw a fundraiser whenever you need some cash. Easy money, and a lack of results is never your fault, it’s the political climate these days. That damn political climate. Just give us more money, that’s all we need. More cash.
  • 2. Daniel Tzvetzkoff Dunk Tank - A thief and a rat who ruined an entire industry for Americans and stole $40 million while he was at it. For Danny the Rat I say we fill the tank with aids infested piranha and a couple of electric eels. I’d line up for this one myself, but we’d have to charge a high number for it because I think we’d only get one dunk. I think some of them Full Tilt folks would line up to spend some money on this one—probably money they screwed you and me out of in the first place.
  • 1. Start an Online Poker Room - It’s not legal you say? Who cares, you move to some little island in the middle of nowhere so you can bribe any judge you want, and you offer poker to players from the good old U S of A and they will come flocking in. You offer some idiot pro an endorsement deal that will never really pay him anything, and slide his agent $200 to get him to sign it and then you splash his name all over your site. Now you have a site and a pro, and it won’t be long before you make a few million. Phase two involves shutting it down, taking the money and moving to a new island under a new name. Phase three involves said island, hookers, blow, and a life of ease and happiness.

Remember, you owe me ten percent bud, and with some of these ideas ten percent is a lot of money. And I do collect my own debts, usually with the aforementioned baseball bat and pit bulls. Good luck on your new business ventures!

Karl turned pro upon retiring from a job with the post office in 2002 and he plans to keep getting his money in ahead against idiot fish until it’s all gone.