So the folks at Blind Straddle asked me to do a review of the recently announced schedule for the World Series of Poker. This should be super fun, since I have nothing better to do today than look at 61 poker tournaments and write something about the list. Great. But Tourney Tracks offered to sponsor the article for $100, so I’m doing it, but I ain’t gonna like it and neither are you.
The series kicks off every year with the casino employees event, which basically announces to the world that casino employees suck at poker and can’t even hang with the flocks of tourists and first timers that come in for the $1k events. I can’t say I’m sad that I can’t play poker all day with a bunch of dealers and floor guys. I’d skip it even if they paid me to play.
About a third of the events are your standard $1,500 no-limit holdem crap shoot with thousands of players, a completely junk structure that starts with 4,500 chips, and two days of work just to min cash for $2,500. I’ll skip reviewing each of those and save us both some time.
Hmmm. I see a pot-limit holdem event again this year. It’s like no-limit holdem, except a tiny bit different. Honestly, when was the last time you wanted to bet more than the pot and it would have been a real problem if you couldn’t? Pot-limit holdem is stupid. Whoever scheduled this event is stupid. You’re probably stupid too.
The Mixed Max event has a moronic name, but it looks interesting. Less players per table as the event goes on, with heads up play on day three. I might play that one if I had $5k to blow. I don’t.
I see they continue to schedule your standard $1,500 Stud and Omaha events, for people who really enjoy playing those games in their home game and think they are good at them. Then they come to Vegas, play with pros who’ve been playing them for 20 years, and donate $1,500 thinking they have a shot. They don’t. Fools.
Four handed no-limit holdem? Really? Let’s take the most annoying part of the tournament, four handed play, and do it all the time! Can we also only play really tired like the end of a tournament? How about getting less comfortable chairs and worse food, too? This event sucks.
Ah, the $1,000 seniors event. Where 4,000 old folks show up and tell jokes and old war stories and make friends and clog up the hallways and the toilets. They really need to make this event happen before or after the series is over so the old timers have enough time to get where they need to go without getting in everybody else’s way. Last year there was a four hour wait to register for an event at four in the afternoon because the geezers event was the next day and they were all standing in line trying to figure out how to use their phones to text their grandkids. Enjoy your 3,000 chips old timers, that $1k will ensure a solid hour of entertainment if you play tight (which we know you do).
Did I mention that there will be a limit holdem shootout? Who the hell wants to play that? A shoot out with fixed limit betting is like watching a turtle race. Seriously, playing in this event should be punishment for the guys from Full Tilt.
“New Event – Ultra Deep stack limit holdem shootout. This event will be attended by Howard Lederer, Jesus Ferguson, Rich Bitar, Rafe Furst and any pro who still owes money to Full Tilt and refuses to pay. Blind will start at 25/50, increasing every seven hours and players will start with 50,000 starting chips. A three-bet maximum per betting round will be strictly enforced. There will be no breaks in this event. All proceeds will be seized by the department of justice and held until the players give up on ever getting it back and then distributed to local governments to enforce anti-gambling laws.”
Now that would be a great event!
The $50,000 Poker Players Who Are Sponsored or Independently Wealthy Championship is back this year. Find out who is the best player with $50,000 to spend on a single tournament buy-in! Exciting.
The $1,000 Ladies Championship will also be happening again this year. This event, which takes all the female players from the seniors event, adds two women who are under 50, and will probably also be played by three or four idiot men who like to wear panties in secret, should be a blast. Not.
There’s something on the schedule called “Doubles No-Limit Holdem” with no explanation from the WSoP. This may be a tournament where teams of two play in the event and share their winnings based on finish position. This is a significant change from standard events where teams are usually of at least ten players with pieces of each other who are playing for the same backing company.
There is also a million dollar buy-in event which is for an excellent charity. Nothing to see here, move along.
I want to know who the hell decided to put a $10,000 2-7 no-limit single draw event on the schedule. I really do. The seven players who know how to play 2-7 single draw, or Poker Your Grandpa Thought Was Lame in 1942 as we like to call it, should really enjoy this event, though only two of them can afford to buy-in. This will be a tough bracelet to get in a two man field.
The most wonderful irony and most obvious example of incompetence is actually in the same tournament. The Bracelet Bounty event awards… Wait for it…. No bracelet! Why the hell would you name it the Bracelet Bounty event if it awards no bracelet? Possibly because you had suffered a crippling head injury or just didn’t apply yourself in school and were never very sharp to begin with.
But you would think that there would be some explanation of what a Bracelet Bounty tournament is and why it wouldn’t award a bracelet. The irony of the name certainly caught my attention and I wanted to learn more. But the WSoP didn’t see fit to offer any explanation about what this tournament might be. There is nothing but a structure sheet. No explanation at all. Thanks guys, I’ll definitely register for this event knowing I can’t win a bracelet, but having no other details at all. Maybe the 2-7 guys will still be playing their heads up battle and I can watch that instead.
The $10,000 main event starts on the 7th of July, it will be the same crap shoot it always is, and nine fools will run good enough to be famous for a minute and win enough money to play the big game for a few months until they’re broke and Barry Greenstein has all their money. Then he will use their cash to buy another ridiculous car. He’ll probably also continue to tell Full Tilt that he isn’t giving their money back. And he’ll still be short. And bald.
That’s Karls Tournament Round Up, sponsored by TourneyTracks.com, the official site of giving Karl Tepley $100 to write an article every month. Look for my Tournament Round Up in future issues as long I get my money.
